I am truly sorry ....

Day 47 =  Bad Day.

I admitted to PB that I am a screw up. Of course I admitted this via snail mail so I get to live with uncertainty for days on end. I have been cautious on this blog. Maybe a bit too cautious. But I am willing to freely admit that I have always been a bit of a player. I was the girl who thought she would never settle down with just one person. I have never been able to commit. PB changed all that. Until he left ... then the distance triggered my low self-esteem. The lack of communication made me seek approval and admiration from others. Until I broke down. I swear this break down was one half broken heart and one half shame. I'm so unproud of what I have done and who I am at this moment. I am broken, and I am guilty. I am praying for forgiveness and am honestly not expecting to receive it. I know PB loves me and loves me unconditionally, but even that never ending never changing love may not be enough to salvage our bruised and broken relationship. I don't mean to be dramatic. I'm just hurt and angry with myself. I don't like the girl I have become. I want the opportunity to start over and be the girlfriend PB deserves. And now I'm waiting patiently to see if PB will give me that chance ....